We’re Back! – SportDistort

The finished and revised version of this.

Read it on SportDistort here.

Dearest reader,

We at SportDistort are glad you all enjoyed the London 2012 Olympic and Paralympic Games: as I’m sure you’ll all agree, Seb did a wonderful job warming you all up for the 2013 SportDistort relaunch. That’s right, we’re back and bigger than ever – bigger than a Zigic on stilts, bigger than the number of you claiming you could follow the SuperBowl, even bigger than the number of people striking Lance Armstrong off their Christmas card lists.

In this era of growing fan disillusionment, sport needs its extended metaphors more than ever and it’s safe to say that a SportDistort shaped hole has been left behind. But now we’re up, and we’re raring to go. Ready to rewrite the sporting history books. Hell, we’re raring to rewrite even the most fundamental laws of physics (if Papiss Cisse’s right foot will let us of course).

With SportDistort hysteria primed to sweep the nation once again, we first felt that we owed our loyal legion of readers some explanations for our graceless absences:

Smiffo has spent the last two months in India, brokering a deal with fried chicken giants Venky’s. On his return to the UK, he claimed that “the brand’s exciting new partnership with Venky’s will offer us complete stability and ensure we’re never gone for this long again.”

Spesh made it to the final round of interviewing for the Bayern Munich job, but was unfortunately pepped to the post. Hopefully the Bavarian club won’t rue their frankly terrible decision to opt for such an inexperienced manager compared to our very own tactical genius.

Tennis correspondent Wilby has been released on bail after a brief period of incarceration, following scandalous suggestions to Sue Barker that she’d “love his cream” with her strawberries at the Sports Personality Awards after-show party. His trial is set for later this year.

After months of baffling inactivity, it emerged that Nick had been working with a number of big name sporting names including Mo Farah in helping refine trade-mark celebrations for the stars to break out in front of the cameras.

Linnett, himself even more worryingly quiet these last few months, had in fact been successfully managing to retain his title at the 53rd Annual Silly Face World Championships held in Austin, Texas.

Twitter celebrity and part time Biffy Clyro fluffer Ryan led a covert viral campaign to have Jake Humphrey removed from BBC’s coverage – Auntie simply weren’t good enough for him.

Last and least, after months of wrangling, Burton has successfully petitioned the Queen to revoke Wales’ status as a country – thereby preventing them from competing in next year’s Five Nations.

We’re back and ready to relight your fire. All that’s left for us to do is invite you to rediscover your love for our completely factual sports scoops and exclusives, and reacquaint our blog with your bookmarks bar.

Kindest of regards,
The SportDistort team.


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