It was a typical day in the life of SportDistort’s chief F1 correspondent. Driving fast cars and struggling with pit-girl rejection all whilst nursing an apocalyptic hangover – courtesy of a ridiculous night on the lash with Jensen. However things started to look up after we inadvertently became privy to some top secret team tactics.
After a good wooing, new BBC presenter, Suzi Perry granted us access to Red Bull’s garage. Here, we discovered that the team “that gives you wings” are set to experiment with a controversial reverse psychology policy for the remaining races of the 2013 season.
Blending in at the back of the garage, disguised as one of Mark Webber’s cobbers, we stumbled upon this startling discovery. It turns out that team boss and blonde bombshell, Christian Horner, was rather upset with Sebastien Vettel’s inability to follow team orders during last Sunday’s Malaysian Grand Prix. The incident in question was Vettel’s inability to lose (previously the reason for a mental health scare in F1) and allow his team mate, Mark Webber, to enjoy some of the lime light. Vettel overtook the Australian despite team instructions to the contrary.
As one of the youngest team bosses in F1, and famed for his maverick, throw-caution-to-the-wind antics (one such antic involved him jumping into a swimming pool wearing nothing but a Superman cape), Horner has decided to employ one of the riskiest strategies in F1 history. With Vettel leaving him little choice, the Red Bull Boss or Penelope Pitstop’s separated-at-birth twin, has turned to a tactic that makes some of the antics of wacky races, well, not so wacky.
In a dastardly turn of events, Webber’s father has viciously lambasted Vettel. Short of setting up a series of booby traps, or rigging the German’s car to explode on ignition, he has publicly questioned the harmony in the Red Bull camp.
Horner has thus decided to remedy the situation by sending conflicting orders to what he actually requires. Reverse psychology – a method invented for parents to best their young children and feel big about it – sees a radical departure from F1 norms by Red Bull. But Horner was hoping it would prevent the bad press Vettel’s actions have garnered this weekend. Whatever results this controversial strategy yields, we will be watching China’s grand prix incredibly keenly. If Horner’s plan proves successful, remember you heard it hear first.
P.S. Suzi if you’re reading this, our correspondent would quite like his pants back.
Found on SportDistort here.