Tag Archives: F1

“Wait… so do I overtake Mark or not?”

It was a typical day in the life of SportDistort’s chief F1 correspondent. Driving fast cars and struggling with pit-girl rejection all whilst nursing an apocalyptic hangover – courtesy of a ridiculous night on the lash with Jensen. However things started to look up after we inadvertently became privy to some top secret team tactics.

After a good wooing, new BBC presenter, Suzi Perry granted us access to Red Bull’s garage. Here, we discovered that the team “that gives you wings” are set to experiment with a controversial reverse psychology policy for the remaining races of the 2013 season.

Blending in at the back of the garage, disguised as one of Mark Webber’s cobbers, we stumbled upon this startling discovery. It turns out that team boss and blonde bombshell, Christian Horner, was rather upset with Sebastien Vettel’s inability to follow team orders during last Sunday’s Malaysian Grand Prix. The incident in question was Vettel’s inability to lose (previously the reason for a mental health scare in F1) and allow his team mate, Mark Webber, to enjoy some of the lime light. Vettel overtook the Australian despite team instructions to the contrary.

As one of the youngest team bosses in F1, and famed for his maverick, throw-caution-to-the-wind antics (one such antic involved him jumping into a swimming pool wearing nothing but a Superman cape), Horner has decided to employ one of the riskiest strategies in F1 history. With Vettel leaving him little choice, the Red Bull Boss or Penelope Pitstop’s separated-at-birth twin, has turned to a tactic that makes some of the antics of wacky races, well, not so wacky.

In a dastardly turn of events, Webber’s father has viciously lambasted Vettel. Short of setting up a series of booby traps, or rigging the German’s car to explode on ignition, he has publicly questioned the harmony in the Red Bull camp.

Horner has thus decided to remedy the situation by sending conflicting orders to what he actually requires. Reverse psychology – a method invented for parents to best their young children and feel big about it – sees a radical departure from F1 norms by Red Bull. But Horner was hoping it would prevent the bad press Vettel’s actions have garnered this weekend. Whatever results this controversial strategy yields, we will be watching China’s grand prix incredibly keenly. If Horner’s plan proves successful, remember you heard it hear first.

P.S. Suzi if you’re reading this, our correspondent would quite like his pants back.

Found on SportDistort here.

We’re Back: Like Rocky, but better.

A welcome letter soon to be published for the return of satirical sports site, SportDistort

Dear reader,

We at SportDistort are glad you all enjoyed London Olympics and Paralympics 2012. As I’m sure you’ll all agree, Seb did a wonderful job warming you all up for the 2013 SportDistort relaunch. That’s right, we’re back and bigger than ever. Bigger than a Zigic on stilts. Bigger than the number of you purporting to understand the SuperBowl. Even bigger than the number of those striking Lance Armstrong off of their Christmas card list.

Sport needs its extended metaphors and it’s safe to say we left a SportDistort shaped hole in that department. But now we’re up and raring to go. Ready to rewrite the sporting history books. Hell, we’re raring to rewrite the very fundamentals of physics (with the exception of “that” Cisse goal – come on, we never claimed to be that good).

SportDistort hysteria is all set to sweep the nation, but first here’s some insight as to what we’ve been up to. Shortly after teaching Mo the Mo-bot, we began a covert viral campaign to have Jake Humphries removed from BBC’s F1 coverage – they weren’t good enough for him. All was set for a triumphant return over Christmas, but we had to postpone after we received the opportunity to do a spot of first team coaching at Aston Villa FC. They say the captain goes down with his ship, but there’s an exception to every rule and it’s name is Villa. And just as recently as February 1st we opened a Parisian office courtesy of a generous donation from an undisclosed source with great hair and impeccable dress sense.

But now we’re back and ready to reignite that flame in your heart that went out. All that’s left for us is to invite you to rediscover your love for completely factual sports scoops and exclusives, and reacquaint our blog with your bookmarks bar.

– SportDistort Team.

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