Tag Archives: sport

@OneMinuteBriefs: Advertise the vacant Manchester United Manager job.

26 years. 38 trophies. 1 career.

That’s quite a haul. And it leaves some very large shoes to fill.

Today’s One Minute Brief was to advertise the vacant manager role. Cue jokes about Fergie time, whiskey, hairdryers, and chewing gum.

There may have been some repetitive themes today, but at least the ads on show weren’t as repetitive as that BLOODY joke doing the rounds on Twitter. Some Scouser utilising a magic lamp to wish Thatcher dead and SAF retired.

The joke is amusing at first. Then the second guy retweets it and you think “…bit late”. Then the third guy actually has the mettle to tweet it.

DON’T TRY AND CLAIM IT AS YOUR OWN. You’ve just pirated a joke. You’re a joke pirate. You know who you are.

Give me strength.

Apologies, I digress. If you’re genuinely interested in sport, and Manchester United, then you should check out these reports that SportDistort broke earlier this morning and yesterday…

But here’s how the (possibly) the greatest manager inspired my ads.

Manchester United manager applicants require

This is a bit of slight on SAF’s least favourable qualities. As a manager he was considerable controversial – these requirements outline his flaws for the next manager.

Fergie time

Couldn’t resist a bit of a play with the notion of Fergie time. Of course his time is up, so now it might be your time to step up.

Manchester United not Chelsea

Nothing like a bit of fun-poking at Chelsea’s managerial history.

Old Trafford full. Whiskey cabinet not so

There’s no denying SAF loved his whiskey. The next incumbent of the managerial post might not find the cabinet full to the brim.

Hope you like the ads.

And sorry Manchester United fans. I wonder what the odds are for SAF’s replacement lasting longer than a year.

Subscribe for more ads straight to ya inbox.

“Wait… so do I overtake Mark or not?”

It was a typical day in the life of SportDistort’s chief F1 correspondent. Driving fast cars and struggling with pit-girl rejection all whilst nursing an apocalyptic hangover – courtesy of a ridiculous night on the lash with Jensen. However things started to look up after we inadvertently became privy to some top secret team tactics.

After a good wooing, new BBC presenter, Suzi Perry granted us access to Red Bull’s garage. Here, we discovered that the team “that gives you wings” are set to experiment with a controversial reverse psychology policy for the remaining races of the 2013 season.

Blending in at the back of the garage, disguised as one of Mark Webber’s cobbers, we stumbled upon this startling discovery. It turns out that team boss and blonde bombshell, Christian Horner, was rather upset with Sebastien Vettel’s inability to follow team orders during last Sunday’s Malaysian Grand Prix. The incident in question was Vettel’s inability to lose (previously the reason for a mental health scare in F1) and allow his team mate, Mark Webber, to enjoy some of the lime light. Vettel overtook the Australian despite team instructions to the contrary.

As one of the youngest team bosses in F1, and famed for his maverick, throw-caution-to-the-wind antics (one such antic involved him jumping into a swimming pool wearing nothing but a Superman cape), Horner has decided to employ one of the riskiest strategies in F1 history. With Vettel leaving him little choice, the Red Bull Boss or Penelope Pitstop’s separated-at-birth twin, has turned to a tactic that makes some of the antics of wacky races, well, not so wacky.

In a dastardly turn of events, Webber’s father has viciously lambasted Vettel. Short of setting up a series of booby traps, or rigging the German’s car to explode on ignition, he has publicly questioned the harmony in the Red Bull camp.

Horner has thus decided to remedy the situation by sending conflicting orders to what he actually requires. Reverse psychology – a method invented for parents to best their young children and feel big about it – sees a radical departure from F1 norms by Red Bull. But Horner was hoping it would prevent the bad press Vettel’s actions have garnered this weekend. Whatever results this controversial strategy yields, we will be watching China’s grand prix incredibly keenly. If Horner’s plan proves successful, remember you heard it hear first.

P.S. Suzi if you’re reading this, our correspondent would quite like his pants back.

Found on SportDistort here.

We’re Back! – SportDistort

The finished and revised version of this.

Read it on SportDistort here.

Dearest reader,

We at SportDistort are glad you all enjoyed the London 2012 Olympic and Paralympic Games: as I’m sure you’ll all agree, Seb did a wonderful job warming you all up for the 2013 SportDistort relaunch. That’s right, we’re back and bigger than ever – bigger than a Zigic on stilts, bigger than the number of you claiming you could follow the SuperBowl, even bigger than the number of people striking Lance Armstrong off their Christmas card lists.

In this era of growing fan disillusionment, sport needs its extended metaphors more than ever and it’s safe to say that a SportDistort shaped hole has been left behind. But now we’re up, and we’re raring to go. Ready to rewrite the sporting history books. Hell, we’re raring to rewrite even the most fundamental laws of physics (if Papiss Cisse’s right foot will let us of course).

With SportDistort hysteria primed to sweep the nation once again, we first felt that we owed our loyal legion of readers some explanations for our graceless absences:

Smiffo has spent the last two months in India, brokering a deal with fried chicken giants Venky’s. On his return to the UK, he claimed that “the brand’s exciting new partnership with Venky’s will offer us complete stability and ensure we’re never gone for this long again.”

Spesh made it to the final round of interviewing for the Bayern Munich job, but was unfortunately pepped to the post. Hopefully the Bavarian club won’t rue their frankly terrible decision to opt for such an inexperienced manager compared to our very own tactical genius.

Tennis correspondent Wilby has been released on bail after a brief period of incarceration, following scandalous suggestions to Sue Barker that she’d “love his cream” with her strawberries at the Sports Personality Awards after-show party. His trial is set for later this year.

After months of baffling inactivity, it emerged that Nick had been working with a number of big name sporting names including Mo Farah in helping refine trade-mark celebrations for the stars to break out in front of the cameras.

Linnett, himself even more worryingly quiet these last few months, had in fact been successfully managing to retain his title at the 53rd Annual Silly Face World Championships held in Austin, Texas.

Twitter celebrity and part time Biffy Clyro fluffer Ryan led a covert viral campaign to have Jake Humphrey removed from BBC’s coverage – Auntie simply weren’t good enough for him.

Last and least, after months of wrangling, Burton has successfully petitioned the Queen to revoke Wales’ status as a country – thereby preventing them from competing in next year’s Five Nations.

We’re back and ready to relight your fire. All that’s left for us to do is invite you to rediscover your love for our completely factual sports scoops and exclusives, and reacquaint our blog with your bookmarks bar.

Kindest of regards,
The SportDistort team.

We’re Back: Like Rocky, but better.

A welcome letter soon to be published for the return of satirical sports site, SportDistort

Dear reader,

We at SportDistort are glad you all enjoyed London Olympics and Paralympics 2012. As I’m sure you’ll all agree, Seb did a wonderful job warming you all up for the 2013 SportDistort relaunch. That’s right, we’re back and bigger than ever. Bigger than a Zigic on stilts. Bigger than the number of you purporting to understand the SuperBowl. Even bigger than the number of those striking Lance Armstrong off of their Christmas card list.

Sport needs its extended metaphors and it’s safe to say we left a SportDistort shaped hole in that department. But now we’re up and raring to go. Ready to rewrite the sporting history books. Hell, we’re raring to rewrite the very fundamentals of physics (with the exception of “that” Cisse goal – come on, we never claimed to be that good).

SportDistort hysteria is all set to sweep the nation, but first here’s some insight as to what we’ve been up to. Shortly after teaching Mo the Mo-bot, we began a covert viral campaign to have Jake Humphries removed from BBC’s F1 coverage – they weren’t good enough for him. All was set for a triumphant return over Christmas, but we had to postpone after we received the opportunity to do a spot of first team coaching at Aston Villa FC. They say the captain goes down with his ship, but there’s an exception to every rule and it’s name is Villa. And just as recently as February 1st we opened a Parisian office courtesy of a generous donation from an undisclosed source with great hair and impeccable dress sense.

But now we’re back and ready to reignite that flame in your heart that went out. All that’s left for us is to invite you to rediscover your love for completely factual sports scoops and exclusives, and reacquaint our blog with your bookmarks bar.

– SportDistort Team.

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